and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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