so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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