I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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