I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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