I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i've created a new STD.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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