my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
