I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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