Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
