I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
