it wasn't lemon gatorade
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
