Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
