So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
