A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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