dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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