I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
