My hand turned me down
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
