She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
