how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
