Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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