are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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