Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
