My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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