I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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