Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
