the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
