I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
