I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
