it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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