yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
