your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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