did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
