the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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