i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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