his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize