Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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