I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He kissed a someone with a penis
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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