im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You've changed since you got that strap on
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
