update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
