I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
