You smell like stripper and shame
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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