I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
