i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
