somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
