Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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