Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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