Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
