dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
