i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
