The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
