the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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