I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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