Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize