I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
