I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize