If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
