You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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