can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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