I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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