Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
