Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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