If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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