I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
