You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
