The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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