it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
