I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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