ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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